I feel so bloated and yuck, and grown out of my maternity clothes, that I don't want people to see me because I am not feeling pretty AT ALL. I know it's totally normal at this point, but after trying so hard to be cute pregnant this time around, I feel like I have failed miserably and I have this irrational fear that everyone around me is thinking the same thing about me. My brain tells me it's not true, but my pregnant hormones make me feel paranoid and bit angry at times.
I know it's silly. But it's hard to help.
This week I had the stomach flu. On a normal day, it is unbearable... but with a baby in there kicking at your weak stomach and intestines, it's a bit of a living nightmare... there were times, I was pretty sure I might just die. Glad I survived... I would have hated to die on the toilet!
I am almost back to my regular 9 month pregnant self, if that's possible, and truth be told, I am tried of being pregnant. But my MAIN concern is the health of the baby, so whatever is best for him goes. My pregnancy plan is as follows: Have a healthy baby vaginally and don't die. Yep, that's it.
But even then, things still manage to come up that we don't expect.
In my mind, I would have this baby naturally, or with an epidural if he's another posterior punk. My first two were posterior, WORST LABORS EVER! With Nephi, I had him naturally because the epidural didn't take. Not to scare anyone, but I was in so much pain, my contacts literally popped out my eyes and flew across the room! With Sam, my oldest, I was in labor for 4 days because he was posterior and wouldn't dilate until he finally flipped. With my little guy Jake, they induced me and he was in the right position... and he just popped right out... not a big deal. I was HOPING this next one would be the same.
But I guess, fate has other plans for me.
A few weeks ago, I went into see my new ob/gyn and she was really concerned about the size of my belly. At 33 weeks, I was measuring 39. So I had to go in and get and ultrasound this last week. Yesterday, I went in for my 36 weeks, and was told the results. My "little" guy isn't so little. He is measuring in the 95th percentile. "So what does that mean?" I ask. "It means you have an 8 and a half pound baby in there right now," she said.
You have GOT to be kidding me!
No freaking way I am giving birth to a 10 or 11 pounder! And that is what he will be if I make it to 40 weeks!
But the Army has rules. They can't and won't induce until 39 weeks. SOOOOoooo.... If this baby doesn't come on it's own, and I make it to 39 weeks, my doctor says that at that point even the baby will be too big anyway, and I will need a c-section.
So not part of my birth plan.
I don't ask for much... really, I don't.
Now before you you tell me it isn't that big of deal to get a c-section, I KNOW THAT. I have TONS of friends that have had one, and many even prefer it. But I just don't want one. Of course I will have one if I need to for the health of the baby... but I for once, I would really like to go into labor naturally before my 40 weeks (or I guess 39 in this case) and have the baby within 12 hours. That would optimal.
But that just doesn't seem to work for me. Things don't seem to like to happen according to my well thought out plans and good intentions.
However, I am determined to have a positive attitude. I can do this!
So for now, I am hanging in there.
Feeling huge and heavy.
But comforted knowing that I only have a few weeks left, if even that.
Here's hoping and praying for a healthy delivery, no matter how it comes!
|36 1/2 weeks, measuring 41 weeks.|