Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Renewed Confidence

A little over 6 months ago, something really horrible happened to me.  I never talk about it, it was that bad.  And it affected me in ways that I never thought something could.  I had a hard time sleeping, I felt bad about myself and it was a constant struggle to get up in the morning and shower.  I hardly ever did much to my hair, and only wore makeup about once a week.  Losing weight was like trying to walk uphill wearing cement shoes.  I was afraid to make friends and every time I said something to anyone I suddenly felt dumb.  For six months I was not myself and I was really hurting inside.  I didn't know what to do or how feel like me again.  I felt broken, lost and bereft of hope.

Then when we moved, I finally got some much needed closure.  I never really believed in closure.  Growing up it was always suck it up, forget about it and move on!  But going through this experience taught me that closure can be therapeutic in ways I never knew.  When it happened, I suddenly felt like so much emotional weight I had been carrying around was gone.  I could breath again!  And even better, I was smiling and laughing for real and felt like me again.  I haven't thought about the "event" in two weeks now and for the first time in a long time I feel like moving forward, waking up in the morning, showering and putting on makeup.  I don't have to pretend to be there for my kids anymore, because now I am ALL there.

I have great hope again for the future and I am not scared of people anymore.  I feel strong again.

I am ready to face this new chapter of our lives in our new place.  I know I will make new friends and even met some people who don't like me... but guess what?  It totally does't bother me anymore!  Wow, that feels really good to feel that way again!  Because I know that if people don't like me, it isn't my problem.  I am nice to everyone, I am genuine, I don't gossip or spread rumors, and I don't flirt with husbands -- I think I am doing pretty good in the "good person" department these days.

One of the things about me that I missed was my desire to try new things.  Since the "event" that desire went away.  But it's back full force!  So here are a few new things I want to try and do this summer:

  • I want to play around with MOD PODGE.  I have seen people make some really cute stuff, and I want to play too.  My first project is something I saw on Pintrest, a magnetic makeup board.  I also want to make a couple magnet boards for my boys' rooms with some personalized magnets.
  • I want to crochet a rag rug for my kitchen.  I already got it started but ran out of fabric... I need to get some more.  I also just recently figured out how to crochet those awesome dish scrubbers. LOVE THEM!
  • I want to learn how to decorate my house with class.  I have zero decorating sense... I even bought Interior Design for Dummies and can't figure it out.... but I have some friends around that may give me some pointers... hopefully.
  • I want to reupholster my couch.  Seriously, one of these days over the summer I am going to take the leap and do it!  Never have done this before, but the couch is so crappy that it couldn't hurt it to try!!
  • I want to learn how to paint some of those cute word signs people put up in their houses.
  • I want to get back in shape, I still have some pounds I need to lose to get back to pre-Jake weight and then another 20 or so after that.  Now, I am feeling motivated to jump back on the fitness bandwagon and get it off for good!
  • I want to make some new lasting friendships.  I am a firm believer in that you can never have too many.
  • And above all, I want to find ME again.  I need that happiness, hope, and courage I had before.  I will take one day at a time, try new things, be brave, and accept all consequences, good and bad.
I feel alive again.  Even to the point where I am not worried about Ben being gone all summer.  Now, I have plans... Mwahahaha... And I will be sure to keep everyone posted on my many adventures of trying new things, I am sure to have some funny stuff to share about it.

Do you have goals this summer?



Catherine Metz said...

Catherine, I am so sorry to learn that you have been down, but glad to know things are improving. We love you.

jbmetz said...

Please remember you have family (and extended family -- including church memders). All of these people make up a very strong support system.

Carrie and Karl said...

I like your goals. I have a fun decorating idea for you(but I won't be hurt if you don't use it). I love the phrases that people put on their walls, but my hubby doesnt. So I came up with an alternative:a chalkboard with a frame. I can write whatever phrase I feel like writing and when I get tired of it I can change it. And my hubby likes it because he's against painting on the walls, but is ok with another nail. Good luck!