Friday, July 22, 2011

A Mother's Guilt

Do you ever feel like the worst mom ever even when you did nothing wrong?  You do something to help your little one, even though it will cause them pain, in the end it helps.  Like getting fillings put in at the dentist, vaccinations, tubes in ears, or even tonsils coming out.  Well, if it's for the best, why do we feel so blasted guilty!

Nephi had a rough night last night and woke up ever 2 1/2 hours like clock work crying for more pain medication.  This morning his swelling had grown and was now in his chin.  I called the oral specialist and he wanted to see him right away.  So I took him in, they did a few x-rays and told me the infection had put a lot of pressure on his nerves and teeth and that they should drain out some of the infection and put a little tube in there to help the infection drain out and lessen the pressure.  Anything to make my little guy feel better.  Only they had to put him out to do it and they gave him an IV.  Nephi screamed and looked at me like I was a traitor!  That he had trusted me to make him better and I let the doctors hurt him more.  I was devastated and held his hand trying not to cry myself until his little eye rolled up in his head and he passed out.

I sat in the waiting room and prayed.  I shouldn't have been watching those reruns of Grey's Anatomy because all the things that could go wrong zipped through my head.  But he was okay.  I could hear him scream as he came out of the "sleep" and wouldn't stop crying.  It broke my heart.  I wanted to always be there and help him, but there are some things I just can't heal!

I carried him out to the car, and he was still pretty peeved at me.  So I did what any mom feeling guilty as heck would do, I told him I would take him to the toy store and he could pick out a toy.  Maybe, just maybe, a new toy would help him forgive me... is that terrible?  Probably.  It's most likely the number one thing we shouldn't do as parents next to not teaching our kids good hygiene.  But if anything would save me in his eyes, a new toy car or truck would.

So I took him to the store and he rode in the cart groaning.  But he did manage to point at the toy he wanted and I stuffed it in the cart along with another one I knew he would like when he came out of his anaesthetic stupor.

When we got home, I put him in a big cool t-shirt, gave him some of his pain meds, told Ben to remove Sam the Harasser from the house, and tucked my little guy in on the couch with his new toy.  He was asleep almost instantly.

I am still sitting here feeling guilty.

PS I will post my Fat Butt Friday Updates a little later tonight.


K said...

Oh this post makes me want to cry, for what he's gone through but also for how hard it has been on you. I'm so glad he's going to be okay and is sleeping. Getting the toy(s) was a great idea! Hang in there! Hopefully this time tomorrow he will be all smiles again :)

Ang @ Sparkles and Bugs said...

I know exactly what you mean. It's one of the hardest parts of being a mom. We've had to put our 3rd through so many tests involving his kidneys, he's only 3 and from the beginning he's had random tests, pokes, prodding, put under, etc. It's hard hard hard!! Especially when they just don't understand. I feel for ya! I hope he gets better soon!

Anonymous said...

Hey Sweetie! I am coming from the medical side of that situation and can't count how many times I've witnessed the same thing. I will never forget one little boy's mother couldn't bear to see her child go through it. so she stepped out of the room so she could come back and be the comforter and not one of the bad guys. So we did what we had to do. When she came back in this little guy said "Mommy, where were you when I needed you?" I will never forget that.
You bit the bullet and you were there with him through the bad times and will be in the future. Life is not always fun and games - for him to know that his mother and father have his back when times are tough is the important thing.
I've got mixed feelings about giving a child a present because he was sick. It's a lesson that can end up having life long consequences where they can possibly grow up learning to be sick to get what they want.
some grown guy who has been trained to be sick will say "do you know why I failed? I had a headache. . . my tummy hurt. . . , my whoopick hurt. It's not my fault I wasn't feeling well.
He was honestly sick, and you honestly wanted to take his pain away and make him better. Give him the facts, "I can't take your pain away, but I am here, and will do everything I can to make sure you get well and back to being happy again.
I respect my lab manager for his approach to children in these situations. He refuses to hold a child down which ends up traumatizing them. we have spent over an hour coaxing a child to hold still for an IV or blood draw. and have found that if they are allowed to make choices, like which arm, this arm or this arm? which vein this one or this one? helps them to feel a little more in control. and we have found that if a child wants to watch we let them watch, forcing a child's head away so they can't see can be just as traumatic as the procedure.
Some things have to be done, he doesn't have a choice and neither do we. We do have a choice on how we react to them. Everyone's reaction no matter how young they are effects everyone around them.
He didn't earn the toy because he was sick. He got the toy because his mother loves him. I hope he knows that, if not today, he will - some day.

Mama Nut said...

I totally agree, Anonymous! I have always tried NOT to attach prizes and treats with emotions and stuff like that. I think of it as teaching your child to be an emotional eater - giving them food to make them feel better and that sort of thing.

I made sure Nephi knew that he got the prize because he was so brave when he had to get his IV even though he was scared. AND I let Sam know that was the reason too. Otherwise I would have my kids pretended to be sick just so they could score a goodie... not going to happen :)

Amy said...

Awww poor little guy!!! Breaks my heart!!! Do they know what is going on??? Is it just an infection that will go away eventually? Cat... absolutely no feeling guilty!!
The guilt should go to the mom who didn't do anything
about it!! I understand how awful you feel though. When Brooke broke her arm... and they were wheeling her off to do surgery she was just screaming for me and it brought tears to my eyes to watch her go. Take care of that precious boy and may angels watch over him :)