Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The McDonald's Fling

Yesterday, I was so bored, I felt like crying. So I sent a text message to my friend, Natalie, basically begging her to save me. I just couldn't take being stuck in the house any longer! So we decided to brave the rain, throw the kids in the car and met at McDonald's, have an ice cream, and let the kids play.

Nephi and I got there first (Sam was at school) and he was so thrilled to be there he ran through the doors and made a b-line to the play place. I quickly lost him in the crowd of kids and parents, I think everyone had the same rainy day plan, and I was standing the doorway scanning the play area for Nephi, when someone next to me said,"

"Was that your boy that just ran in here in the camo pants?" I looked at the guy with the thick southern accent who was addressing me. Now, I hate making fun of people, it's just really rude and makes me feel bad, but this guy... well, he was kind of asking for it... I had just came face to face with my first real live southern red-neck.

"Yeah, he's mine," I answered and looked away politely giving the hint that I just wasn't interested in getting buddy-buddy with him and striking up a conversation.

"He is ALL boy!" He said.

"Yeah, well, I would hope so," I said catching another quick glance at him without staring and giving him any misguided hints that I was "checking him out." He was wearing a hunters camo hat, a bright yellow t-shirt that stretched unnaturally over his robust beer belly, and then I didn't make it past that because his yellow teeth were pretty distracting.

"My girls are all boy too!" He told me proudly pointing out two little girls that were getting a little violent with some of the other kids. I realized that maybe he had a point...

"That's nice," I said scanning the parking lot praying my friend would come soon and rescue me from Prince Charming.

"Do you have other kids?" He asked me as I tried to mosey away.

"Yeah, I have one other who is at school." Then I slipped in a veiled warning: "They're Army Brats." What I was really saying was, "Don't even think about trying anything buddy, my husband is a solider and can kick your trash..."

"Oh? You're husband's in the Army?"

"Yep!" Where are you, Natalie?!

"Huh, you know, the soldiers have NOTHING on us southern boys. We are just better at everything!" I highly doubt that... "I bet I could out shoot your husband ANY day of the week in any weather!"

"I find that hard to believe..." I couldn't resist the jab.  This really got his underwear in a wad because he just about flew out of his seat!

"Seriously!  I could!"

"My husband is an expert shot.  Sorry."  He was gearing up to debate me when I saw my friend pull in.  Thank the heavens!  "Oh, there's my friend, see ya!"  I dashed over to met her at the door.  I couldn't have been more happy to see her!

We got our treats and sat down with kids.  Natalie and I had a lot to catch up on and chatted about the news and this and that.

Then he came over.

He tried to talk to us, but Natalie was a little better at putting off people like him than I am, and of course my laughing didn't help our cause either.  I couldn't help it!  It was just too funny!  And the funniest part was that he just didn't take the hint that we weren't interested in chatting it up with him.

I felt a little bad for him, because I could tell he really wanted a buddy to talk to... but there were only women there.  However, he did accost a couple who came in and cornered them until they were done eating and escaped.  Which gave Natalie and I time to catch up without our "southern boy" joining in uninvited.

I think the highlight of our rather short acquaintance was when he went up in the tubes to catch one of his kids, and was up there so long we think he was momentary stuck.  All of us moms below were watching and giggling whenever we saw him up above trying to maneuver around.  There were three ladies in particular that were over in the corner whispering and snickering about it when my friend said to them, "Hey, if you want I can get his number for you!?"

I just about shot Diet Coke out my nose.

After announcing his that his daughters could take on any of our kids, he finally left.  We all sighed in relief.

What a guy.  What a guy.


Tobi said...

Oh my word! I would have been running for my life. I bet your so sad you married Ben and you didn't hold out for that hick. HA! NOT!

Hilarious Homemaker said...

Dito! I would have run and sat in the car!

He and his kids could take on any of your??? Seriously, where did that come from??? LOL