Friday, April 9, 2010

Guest Writer: Bodily Functions

Does anyone else have problems getting their 6 year old to sleep? I didn't until last night. For some reason my son would not go to bed. So me, being the genius that I am, came up with a solution. He could 'fall asleep' on my bed, and then I would begin the process of moving him to the floor {yeah, right, like I'm going to carry that heavy mass of a body with all of my 5 feet of strength down a flight of stairs and onto his own bed}. This procedure is performed as such:

1 | roll the body until the subject is on his back, with the head pointing towards you.

{here is where you prepare yourself for some awesome visual aids. It's okay to be jealous of my mad doodling with a mouse skills. *snort*}

2 | place firm grip under armpits by making sure the crook of your arm is placed strategically under the armpits.

3 | pull.

4 | gently.

5 | as the feet are last to be pulled off the 4 feet tall bed, just let them fall onto the floor.

6 | your child should be slightly coherent at this point, so tell them to lay on the pillow on the floor. If not, just drag.

7 | cover child with warm blanket.

8 | grab a huge glass of water to rehydrate yourself after your amazing workout. And don't forget to grab you a piece of chocolate from your hidden stash to reward yourself as well. What. We all know you have one. ;)

{What do you mean you don't wear hair accessories that match your furniture?}

As I went upstairs {waaaayyyy later than I should have} to begin my 'workout', an all too familiar smell was in the air.

Are you kidding me? I thought as I ran to the bed and pulled back the covers. Sure enough, for the first time in years, my son lay fast asleep in a puddle of pee.

*Don't tell Mr. Smith it was his side.*

Major shaking and tapping ensued- to wake my son up. I told him he had to take a shower and go back to his bed.

"Because you peed on my bed."
"You did."
"Yes you."
" . . . . . . . . "

Needles to say, I got him showered {yes, I was the only responsible adult present I was the only legal adult present}, cleaned up, tucked in, got the sheets changed, and mattress Lysoled all before midnight. Holla! {But then I froze while sleeping because I left the window open and had only a sheet for protection- yes I was too tired to get up and close the dang window.}

And then there's my daughter. I love her. Desperately. And she loves her dairy products. Desperately. She has an addiction.

Do you KNOW what happens to people who have an addiction to dairy products???

That's right. They get clogged.

My daughter is addicted to dairy products.

This resulted in the need for Milk Rehab.

1 | No milk, yogurt or cheese.
2 | Only juice or water.
3 | And rice.

After hours of tears I am happy to report this was a success. We are clog free!

I KNOW you wanted to know that. And you're welcome.

Being a mother means doing things you never in your wildest dreams thought you would do. It means touching things that would have made you spew chunks when you were younger. It means smelling things that shouldn't be smelled by mere mortals. In fact here's a song for you, dear Mother Who Has Children . . .

*sniff* Beautiful isn't it?

So here's to us Moms! Cleaners of all things gross! Smellers of all things vile! Sacrificers of all things . . . um, well . . . All Things! {I was going to put dignified, but we sacrifice much more than dignity when it comes to motherhood.}

We Rock.

And don't you forget it . . .



ps: here’s a huge thank you to Cat for letting me be a guest blogger! I super adore and admire her, and have no shame in telling her so… ;o) It’s a huge honor to be here- and now, if you wish to find me, I will be residing on cloud #nine…
For more of Jordan, you can find her here


Net said...

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Mrsblogalot said...

O M G!

I am crying over here from that video!!!!!

I loved this post so much I just want to eat it..but then I'd eventually poop it out so that's not going to work because I would be the one cleaning it up.

Then how about some nice blog applause?