My name is Man. Sam the Man. I am a secret agent and my suspensions were confirmed today, that my mom is not human. In fact, I am pretty sure she is of the alien variety. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But she is so weird! This morning, at approximately 08:00 hours (that's Buzz Light Year talk) I was going about my usual business, trying to reverse engineer the odious child gate, when my mom vanished into the bathroom only to reappear in a fuzzy pink robe and a green face! I am not kidding! It's a good thing I am a mature kid of three years, and acted quickly without delay. I recognized the danger, and hurriedly pushed my little brother, Nephi, into our bedroom shutting us inside. We were safe, for the moment. I had to act fast. I knew my mom would get suspicious in a moment. She didn't like us playing with the door shut. Typical mom, always sticking her nose in our business.
"What are you guys doing in there?" I heard her call through the door. She then tried to open it. But I flung my body against the door pushing her out. That was a close one. I could hear her laughing evilly through the door. "Do you think I look scary?" She asked. I didn't answer, but Nephi yelled, "YES!" The big mouth. Show off. He thinks he is so cool because he can say more words then me. But I am a thinker. Thinkers are much better then talkers. I glared at Nephi for giving us away. He just stared back with a stupid look on his face -- toddlers! They just don't seem to get it.
I laid down on the floor and looked under the door. I could see my mom walking around. She went back into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on. I waited. Finally, she came out. I peeked open the door. Relief flooded through me when I saw she was back to normal. Close call!
I was really happy when the school bus came to get me. They only take smart kids. That's why Nephi can't come. Ha Ha! Let me tell you about Nephi. I love him, but he is a real pain in the diaper! The biggest narc I know (a.k.a. tattle tale). Yet, at times he does have his... uses. No one makes a better decoy then Nephi. And he always gives me an alibi when I need one. But more times then not, I can't do anything without Nephi telling on me (always the obedient one -- how ironic is that? Nephi the Obedient). Like today for example. I just wanted to see how much weight the curtains in the front room could take! Could I swing from them?... nope. I was just too heavy, the curtain rod broke and the curtains feel down. No big deal. But Nephi, the sour milk in my sippy cup, had to cry out: "Naughty Sam! Naughty Sam! Mommy!" And of course, I get in trouble!
Time out is really no big deal -- unless Nephi is standing there starring at me... mocking me. I quietly slip off the time-out chair and hit Nephi as hard as I can. Take that little bro! Then I jump back onto the chair before mom comes in to investigate. I was so smooth, there is no way she'll know it was me.... What? She does know!! How the...??!!
See what I mean? She could not possibly come from this planet. She always knows... I think she can see through walls... that has to be it! I'll solve this mystery, you'll see. They don't call me a secret agent for nothing you know!
This is Sam the Man signing off!