Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Wal-Mart After Midnight

Have you ever had to go to Wal-Mart after midnight? Well, it’s kind of creepy.
Last night at about 12:45 in the morning, little Nephi started pitching a fit in his crib. I was on the scene first to find him vomiting brown chunks on his cowboy blanket and trying to cry at the same time. I immediately called in Ben to help me out. I don’t have the best stomach when it comes to barf… and I was afraid I was going to lose it too!

So while Ben was dealing with barfing baby, I was running around trying to get a washcloth, thermometer, Tylenol, and a sippy cup of water. By the time I got back, Ben had been barfed on and was sitting in the bathtub with Nephi. We took his temp. AHHH 103.9!! I grabbed the Tylenol and got a little out – then the bottle was empty. It was enough I thought to get him to sleep and lower his fever for the rest of the night. I had to force him to take it, and it gagged him and he threw it up. Great. Now I had to run to Wal-Mart at 1 in the morning! It wasn’t the fact that I had to go out in the middle of the night that bothered me. You see, Ben has told me stories of the kind of people that shop there in the wee hours of the morning… stories that would curl your toenails and give you nightmares. But since Ben was covered in puke, I was the most likely candidate to venture forth into the night. After all, I was the mama. I would do anything for my little guy! Before I left, Ben grabbed my hand. “Please, be careful.” He pleaded. I assured him I would be alright, but I saw the fear in his eyes.

The streets were empty as I made my way to the 24 hour Super Center. It was really eerie. The only cars I saw were in the Wal-Mart parking lot as I pulled in and parked.

I got out of the car and locked the doors. Walking towards the store a creepy looking character came out with a baseball bat in a plastic sack. How much do you want to bet he wasn’t going to batting practice? I, nonchalantly, walked at an angle away from him, and sped up to get to the safety of the store. I made it. Then I turned around to make sure he wasn’t introducing his new bat to my car. Nope, he left. Good thing, it wouldn’t have been good for him if I had decided to open a can of whoop on him. A man with a bat is no match for an angry mama with a sick kid at home!

The door greeter was in his 80’s and slumped in his happy chair half asleep. I marveled at Wal-Mart’s tight security. It made me feel all warm, fuzzy and safe! The store was nearly empty. There were some “associates” cleaning floors and a few others were stocking shelves -- and by the look of them I knew why they were on night duty. One especially helpful stocker showed me where the kid’s Tylenol was hidden, but I hardly noticed because I couldn’t stop staring at her multiple face piercings, and when I say multiple, I mean multiple! I had to catch myself from asking if they hurt or if they ever catch on stuff. Then I wondered how her boyfriend could kiss her… or even how she eats!

Anyway, I found my medicine and decided I wanted to get some Pedia-Lyte too. So off to the back of the store to the baby section. I felt like I was being watched as I made my way back. And I was. There was this weirdo lurking behind some clothes peeking at me, and when I turned to look, they ducked. I couldn’t tell if it was a man or woman… that in itself is frightening!

I hurried and grabbed the drinks and sped off when I noticed a super freaky guy lovingly caressing a bag of diapers. Ben was right, the “weirdies” do come out at night… I hope he wasn’t someone’s dad! Ah, just remembering him gives me the heebee-geebees! I was a little loud making my getaway because I couldn’t maneuver my cart around a display and knocked some things over. I looked at the guy. He glared at me… if looks could kill I wouldn't be here warning you of these nighttime dangers! Let’s just say, I made record time getting back to the front and checking out. I just kept telling myself if I can just make it to the car…

Then just as I was getting to the doors, the Wal-Mart greeter was acting suspicious by the ice freezer. He was facing it with his pants unzipped and belt undone. He noticed me staring (I couldn’t help it! I was mortified!) and swiftly zipped and buckled. Then he made some joke about how no one had told him that getting old meant losing his butt. Okay, I’ll take that… better than a sinister alternative.

Well, as you can see, I made it home safe and sound. Physically anyway. This adventure, however, may have lasting psychological effects. Nightmares of painful face piercings, isle lurkers, diaper molesters, and 80 year olds who literally can’t keep their pants on, may be reoccurring. But like every good super mom, anything for my baby!

Okay, now it’s your turn! We want to hear your funny Wal-Mart stories. Come on, we all have them!


Jennie @ Modern Mamaz said...

You're quite the night owl, too! No matter what I do, I find myself sitting here at midnight every night. I guess it's one of the few times of day that I'm the only one awake. The only thing I have fighting to be on my lap is this computer... I've got goosebumps thinking about how nice and peaceful it is:)

Our Family said...

Wow, that does sound scary. I hope Sammy is okay now. I actually don't have any good stories from the customer's perspective. However, my sister and I did work there one summer and had to do the Wal-Mart cheer if we ever got there before 7:00 a.m. Here's the best performance I could find on YouTube.

Wal-Mart cheerThe only thing these guys forgot was the "Hooah!" at the end.

Give me a W! Give me an A! Give me an L! Give me a squiggly! (Don't forget the rear shake.) Give me an M! Give me an A! Give me an R! Give me a T! What does that spell? Wal-Mart! Who's Wal-Mart is it? My Wal-Mart! Who's number one? The Customer always! Hooah!

Shannon said...

I am just sitting here smiling & laughing. I am a Walmart snob. People laugh at me but there are some really crappy one's & some really nice one's but it doesn't matter where you are Walmart does bring out the weirdies. I know that feeling. Idon't think I've ever been there after midnight but I've been there around 10 & I don't think I've ever wanted to get to my car so safely in my entire life. Hope your little guy feels better. I HATE puke more than anything. Oh the smell........thanks for becoming a made my day!!!

Jill said...

One thing I find funny is I KNOW which Wal-Mart you went to. And that Wal-Mart is one of the worst I've been in. Weirdos!!!! The other one that is really bad is one in Las Vegas. It was like being in a bad dream. It's true, there are some creepy/odd people in Wal-Mart and it's worse after 10. I can only imagine after midnight. However, aren't you glad you had somewhere you could go at that time of night to get the stuff you needed for your little boy!?

And....Wow... What a great husband you have to deal with the puke!!! That was my hubby all weekend. I had the flu along with my little boy. So my poor hubby was cleaning up puke all weekend. We need to be grateful for our husbands. What would we do without them. :)

Meagan and John said...

You know we actually I prefer to do my Wal-mart shopping late at night, but with a 4 year old who has to wake up early for school and me not being able to drive, I haven't had the luxury of waiting till night to do my Wal-mart shopping. Where we live though there are weirdos where ever you go whenever you go, so there is no avoiding them here. I find late night shopping allows for fast and easy get in and get out, there are few lines at at the register (that is the only time there is just 1 register open)

This did remind me of the 60 yr old lady stocking shelves that I had the unfortunate opportunity to discuss her preference of personal lubricants with, oh and the time we were moving and we had to stop at walmart to get a cooler--this one is a hoot. Anyhow, I will be giving more details on my blog at as I don't want to take up anymore space here.

Jodie said...

Well, you have totally freaked me out! I will never go to Walmart after midnight again. Glad you made it home safely. Hope Sammy is feeling better.

Rocksee said...

Gurl Walmart after dark.. that's better than Taxi Cab Confessions!

I only go to our Walmart after dark because during the day they treat you like cattle in the stockyard..

But my best story was once when I was standing in line after they had shut down the registar at midnight (you have to stand there for 30 minutes while they "recalibrate" for the next business day)..

A man.. walked into the store, dressed with pasties on his man boobies, pink biker shorts, a too too, and those boots that we all had as children that were white with the tastles on the side..

Acting like it was the most right thing in the world.

I love that store.

Controlling My Chaos said...

Sorry I don't have any crazy Wal Mart stories. I detest leaving my house after dark, so I just don't. I have a little nighttime onset depth perception condition that causes me to drive over traffic islands and down the wrong side of the street. It's kind of like playing a video game, but my husband has no sense of humor about it.

I know, that had nothing to do with Wal Mart. Sorry. :)

Anne Alagna said...

I must be a weirdo. I actually prefer to go to WalMart in the middle of the night. I hate going during the day when all the women and their screaming, undisiplained kids are filling the aisles, making them impassible. I have my list and I just want to get in, get my stuff and get out. I do not want to mess around. Just get out of my way!

The only big bummer of going at night is that the deli is closed and I do love my deli-cut Polish Ham.

Worried about weirdos? Nope, not really. I suppose I am just jaded and the seedier sides of life dont impress fear upon me... after all I spent 5 years married to the devil himself. Something about being less safe in your own home than you are on Skid Row feeding the homeless... is disturbing. 15 years of ducking, double and triple checking all the locks on my home, watching my rearview mirror and calling for security assistance while out in public taught me that safety is all in your mindset.

So I befriend the weirdos. I ask the pierced person what happens when they sneeze and how bad that hurt. I ask the lurker behind the clothes rack to help me find the product whose location I already have memorized. I comment about the bat to the guy walking to his car and ask him if his kid has a big game tomorrow or if he is just on his way to rob a liquor store and laugh loudly as he rolls his eyes and says that his wife rolled him off the couch and made him come out with the weirdos just to make sure the kid woke up to the bat she had promised him. I talk to the sleeping senior at the door and let them know that while they dont know me, I remember them from last week and I appreciate that they are still at their post. And I walk confidently, with my head held high... even when the parking lot light by my car just went out.

Confidence... that I can kick the ass of any jerk who wants to harm me... at least enough to make him think twice about touching me. And confidence that I can joke and laugh my way out of anything. I am tough.

Not really, but I know that I can survive almost anything if I just want to enough. I am woman (grrrr) so dont cross me unless you are prepared to duck when I start throwing things at you. *giggle*