Friday, May 29, 2009

In Which I Boycott the Bathtub

There is an enemy lurking in this apartment. It has cozily situated itself in my bathroom. I have to to look at it every time I go in there, and it makes me snarl. It comes in the form of a bathtub, but I know it shames all other bathtubs (except the one we had in the trailer) and mocks the very name. It looks like this:I know it seems ordinary, but I swear it dislikes me just as much as I dislike it. Why? You want to know why? First of all, it is far too shallow. When I am in it, I become an island of a person... this does not bode well with my self esteem. Second, it doesn't keep the water warm, and the bottom is always cold. Very bad for "bottom" circulation. Third, there are so safe handles to help me out and it's too narrow to maneuver around my voluptuous figure. Basically, it's a death trap... but only for me. It likes the boys... maybe "it" is a "she," that would explain things.

Three days ago it attacked me while I was showering, nearly killing me! I almost died naked! It doesn't get any worse then that! I imagine myself in the afterlife -- other spirits asking me how I died. Can you tell a lie in heaven? Being lost at sea is so much more exciting. I just don't think eternity would be as fun if I had a naked death hanging over me!

Since I live in an apartment, there really isn't too much I can do to it. Any punishment I could think of would get us evicted... maybe even resulting in an arrest. So I did the next best thing. I decided to boycott it. Yep, that's right, I will no longer bath in that tub!

Okay, so that wasn't the smartest idea. After day three of no showers, the only one I was punishing was myself. How unfair is that? I knew I had to give in when my hair started styling itself into some funky version of a mohawk. My husband started complaining about the smell that lingered around the house... and the kids wouldn't cuddle with me. What's their problem!? Can't they tell I am trying to make a statement! I need some support here!

I gave in. I couldn't take it anymore. I took a long hot shower, trying real hard not to enjoy it... but I just couldn't help myself! It felt so good to be clean. As I climbed out, and toweled myself off, I sighed with satisfaction. That was the best loss I ever had to endure.

I think I heard the tub laugh at me, as I left turning off the light. You may have won this time, evil bathtub, but tomorrow is another day!
*****
I just wanted to take a minute and thank C.J. over at My House in the Village for the amazingly sweet review she did on me. Made me cry (I am such a baby).
And about my post yesterday, I am really happy about all the feed back I got! I must have struck a cord... and here I thought it would be one of those slow days. I appreciate ALL the wonderful comments. You all had EXCELLENT points. You have taught me that there are virtues of texting as well. Thanks for all your support and I look forward to hearing from all of you again soon.
-Cat aka Mama Nut

14 comments:

Yaya said...

That evil bathtub...at least there's not a French-Italian spider living in yours...

CoralRubyStephMatt said...

Thanks for a comment on our blog. We spent a few minutes perusing yours this morning and you had us in stitches. We'll be coming back!

tracy said...

Too funny! Tubs aren't made for woman, I don't think

tracy

Practically Perfect... said...

Too funny :-)

becca said...

HA! Thanks for the laugh! I avoid taking a bath at all costs... nothing pretty about looking down at yourself in the horizontal position (or I guess I should say at MYSELF)!

Otter Thomas said...

I can think of a way that dying naked would be nice, but not in the tub.

Our Family said...

Cat, you crack me up! I agree. Baths just aren't as fun as they were when I was a kid. I think what every master bath needs is a hot tub-sized tub.

Jill said...

I love Otter Thomas' comment! (Which by the way, if you read this, I looked at your blog yesterday and loved it.)

Okay, this post is too funny Cat. I haven't boycotted my tub. I just don't like taking baths for the same reasons you pointed out. No man (or woman) wants to be an island. :) What I want to know is what happened to tubs like my grandma's? Growing up I used to get to take a bath there every now and again. It was a wondefully deep tub. However, now that I think about it.... maybe it was just because I was younger that it seemed so deep. No, I think it really was. At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself. Better keep that positive image going right!?

And Cat,all your posts are great. Why do you think we all keep coming back day after day!?

Melanni said...

That tub is scary!

NYC Mama said...

Maybe that's why for years I have only taken showers, lol!!!

Shannon said...

I'm not a big bath taker, showers of course but baths are not my thing. On occasion I will take one but one thing I HATE is how all of my lovely(ugh) stretch marks seem to GLOW under water....yuck, I thought they were finally fading...oh well...there's nothing like a hot shower....(sigh)

monica said...

LOL...too funny!

Stopping by from SITS to say Hi!

Tiffany said...

Terribly mean bathtub. you be careful! Stopping by from SITS to say hi.

Pamela Donnis Designs said...

LOL. You have my sympathy. But I'm so glad to be done with that tub/shower.